Friday, July 28, 2006

Floyd, Je ne comprend pas.

Please Floyd. Say it ain't so. You're not a cheater. You didn't take steroids during the tour de France. Just say it's not true and I'll believe you.

And you know why? Because I do believe you. I don't think you won the tour by taking steroids. This so called "positive" test just doesn't make sense and I'll tell you why.

1. All of your previous tests were negative. How can you go through 16 stages of the Tour de France and not test positive and then suddenly have a positive test on stage 17, your fantastic come from behind victory?

2. Why would you take steroids only for stage 17. Steroids help build muscle and strength over a long period of time. You would get no benefit from a single steroid dose the day before the stage. You know that. You're not stupid.

3. You're not stupid. With all the controversy surrounding allegations against Lance in the past and the current allegations against the top riders who were excluded from the tour this year, it would be foolish to attempt any kind of doping during this years race. Right?

To paraphrase Johnny Cochran: It makes no sense. It does not fit. If it does not fit you must aquit.

Let me tell you what I think is going on: Warning: conspiracy theory ahead!

A. This could just be a case of testing error. The lab made a mistake. Hopefully this is the case and the backup sample will test negative and you'll be exhonerated.

B. For some reason your body naturally produced a high level of testosterone that day. I think this is feasable. Possibly this was your body's way of reparing itself after crashing and burning the previous day.

C. Someone intentionally rigged the test. Your urine sample was switched. Or spiked. I find this theory the most attractive of all. The French are very upset that a Frenchman hasn't won the Tour de France in 21 years. The last Frenchman to win was Bernard Hinault in 1985. Even more upsetting is that Americans have won 11 Tours in that time period! Greg Lemond, Lance Armstrong and now you. We all know the French hate Americans (even though we've saved their asses from annihilation time and again). I think they'd do anything to taint an American victory and create a scandal. Including falsifying drug tests. They tried to do it to Lance and failed. Don't let them do it to you. Who knows, maybe the whole doping scandal just before the tour that eliminated Jan Ulrich, Ivan Basso and other leading contenders from the tour was an attempt by the French to remove the competition so Christophe Moreau would have a better chance to win.

What can I do to help?

Well I'm afraid not much. But I'll tell you this. I'm no longer buying any Bordeau. It's California Cabernet all the way. And French cheese? Forget it. White cheddar from Ireland from now on. And my Serge Gainsbourg records? Into the trash!

And if by chance you did cheat and take steroids. Well, it's OK. I forgive you. After all, everybody does it.

Party on Floyd!


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